Day: Tuesday, September 27th
Time: 11:50 am
Place: In Beautiful Green Country
For the past several days I have sat down to blog, but nothing comes out. I cannot make sense of anything. So I decided I am doing to just start typing. It might not make sense, but maybe something will emerge.
Honestly, lately I have felt very lost. I don’t know where I belong. I don’t know where I am supposed to be. I don’t know what I am supposed to be doing. I just don’t know. It is hard to job hunt when you don’t even know where you are supposed to be looking. When I am asked for my address or asked where I work, I don’t know what to say. Sometimes I think, what in the heck am I doing? Why did I get myself into this situation?
I could have continued down the path I was going. I could have swallowed my emotions and just kept putting one foot in front of the other. At least then I kind of belonged. At least then I kind of knew what I was doing.
But, it is undeniable that I am on this journey for a reason. The things that have happened: the way God has affirmed me, the way I have grown, and the truths I have uncovered all remind me I am here for a reason.
I have been battling with tooth and ear pain for the last month, and Saturday night it came back with a vengeance. I could not sleep. I could barely move. I did everything I could to take the edge off of the pain: I took meds, I sat up, I massaged my ear, put pressure on my jaw, I rocked back and forth, I took more meds, I cried, I prayed, and when there was nothing else I could think of to do, grabbed my bible opened it and just rested my head in it. I did not know how I was going to make it through the night, but I did. I watched the sun rise; a new day had come.
This reminds me of a song by Josh Wilson: Before the morning:
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning
I have to remember that I just need to lean on Jesus. Right now there is a storm going on inside of me, and although I feel like I won’t make it out, I will cling to God’s promises. I will rest in Him. Even though I feel alone and lost, I know I belong. I belong to the King of King and Lord of Lords and He promises me a life that is filled with prosperity, safety, hope, and a future. There will be a light that comes at the end of all of this. I believe it!
The word that seems to keep popping up is “How?” How would that work? How could that happen? How can I do that? The answer is always God. I have heard a million times “”Don’t pray for patience.” We’ve all heard the joke,” I prayed for patience but I’m just not getting it fast enough!”
I have let our microwave society the ““I want it now”” mentality to creep into my life. Sometimes being still is sooo hard. I want to act. I want to do something, but I just don’t know what that something is supposed to be. I have to remember ““good things come to those who wait”” and I have to stop tapping my toe with impatience.
Like in my last post, I have to make sure that I have given up all control. I can’t be in the driver seat, I have to let Jesus take the Wheel (Maybe I need to listen to some Carrie Underwood :P).There are a few factors I have assumed are supposed to be in the equation. Maybe I need to stop assuming and totally let go. Yah, I think it is about time to do that…
I feel lonely and confused, but I know that you have promised that you will never leave or forsake me. Even though I feel lost I know that you are at my side. My life is yours. I give you my ears and my full attention. When I hear your voice instructing me on where to walk, I will do so boldly and with confidence that I am on the right path. The only person I will seek to please is you. I know it will be worth the wait.
In your name I pray, Amen.